Mar 042013
 

(Note from the Legal Department: Possibly not a weekly feature in your area, write your congressperson and tell them to vote “YES!” on proposition 9666-A, a little known bill that will allow everyone free access to Happy Apathy forever, or until we decide to hide everything behind a paywall after we make it big. You know, it could go either way really, the point is just because you’re reading an article jonny claims will be a weekly feature, it doesn’t mean you will be able to read it every week, but now we’ve officially passed the buck to the US Government, where the maze of red tape and bureaucracy will make sure it will get lost forever, like in Daggerfall. The buck we passed, I mean. I don’t think the US Government will get itself lost, but you never know.)

It might seem a bit strange to post a forward looking round-up of news stories that haven’t even happened yet, but a little bit of basic reasoning and an understanding of how shitty a place the Internet can be can let us get a pretty clear look at the week ahead. Let’s dive in, shall we?

  1. The new Tomb Raider is coming out tomorrow, and while reviews have been incredibly positive across the board except for those curmudgeons at Gamer.no, there is a definite potential for explosive arguments between the undersexed males who resent Lara’s newly un-enhanced bosom, and the one female on every gaming message board, posting under one of her male sounding aliases over whether or not the game is an acceptable portrayal of women, probably linking to that gross quote about wanting to protect Lara, instead of projecting onto the character once every three pages, and that creepy article where the game’s art director described in intimate, almost voyeuristic detail how they were toning down Lara’s sex appeal, and — though not stated explicitly in the interview itself — probably pawing at himself and breathing heavily, if you catch my meaning.
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  3. On a similar track, Anita Sarkeesian — which, fuck you spellcheck, is totally spelled correctly — has announced that the first part of her incredibly successfully kickstarted video series, Tropes Vs. Women in Video Games is coming out on Thursday this week, and I for one can’t wait for the circus. Don’t get me wrong: I’m incredibly interested in watching the video itself, but it’s way more fascinating to me to watch all the MRA’s come out of the woodwork and accuse her of sexism against men, but also demanding she get back in the kitchen, calling her a prude who is afraid of sexual depictions of women in games, but also a huge slut somehow. It’s all very confusing, and if I weren’t an incredibly handsome man with a deep understanding of absolutely everything, I’d say I don’t understand men.
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  5. A trailer for Assassin’s Creed 4, Some Stupid Pirate Bullshit came out this week, and IGN already has no less than 8 articles about it on their XB360 landing page. Thanks to all the money IGN is saving now that they’ve shut down the far more intelligent 1up.com, they can afford luxuries like paying interns to talk about AC4 around the clock. This kind of exhaustive deconstruction of a 2 minute promotional trailer is the kind of hard-hitting journalism you can continue to expect from IGN in the months and years to come, and by this time next week, every existing review, article, preview and video will be replaced by the AC4 trailer, and articles talking about each individual pixel of it. I hope you don’t ever want to read IGN’s legendary and frankly transcendental review of the PS2 classic God Hand, because it’s now about the flag on the Assassin pirate ship, though strangely the score of 3 remains unchanged.

See you guys next week, unless something shiny catches my eye and I go investigate that instead of writing about games.

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